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Mike's version of "Back to Earth" part 4 - "Life"

Added : 17th May 2009

This is a sequal to Mike Bullen's "Back to Earth" story that was posted here before Red Dwarf showed their own controvercial "Back to Earth" episodes at Easter.

In the last installment, Lister, Kryten, Rimmer and the Cat have found the Earth of the future, but have found it war-torn and destroyed. Also they noticed the wreckage of a mysterious Blue Spaceship (okay it's mysterious to them, perhaps not to us!). Here's his latest story; "Life part 1".

Red Dwarf IX
Life Part 1

Snippets of Back To Earth are shown.  Cut between scenes containing the following lines.

Drive room

Holly:  All I need to do is fly in one direction.  If the transmissions become older, I'm flying away.  If they stay the same I'm no further away, but no closer either. 

Lister:  But if they get newer...   We're heading for home!  Do it Hol!  I'm gonna go break the news to Cat and Rimmer!

Stasis chamber

Lister:  We're going back to Earth!

Drive room

Kryten: Oh dear.
Kryten: Should we tell them?

Message from Earth.

A face appears on Holly's monitor.  He is badly burned and battered.

Man: This is the last message I will be sending.  Please, if you receive this, don't return to Earth.  The war has claimed everyone.  The death count is total.  If this reaches the outer-rim refugee colonies, look elsewhere.  This is no longer home.

A beeping starts from one of the panels on the centre console.

Kryten: It's a distress beacon.
Holly: Yeh, but it's weak.  It’s coming from the inner most ring.

The stasis chamber

Lister runs out of the chamber and to the nearest window.  He stops dead when he sees the planet. Cat notices the look on his face.

Cat looks out the window at Earth.

Cat: That's it?!  How can you be in such a hurry to get back to this place?!
Lister:  That's not Earth.  Well.  It's not what Earth used to be.  Something must have gone wrong.

Kryten: War.  It would seem mans biggest enemy was himself.
Lister: How long ago?
Kryten: The last transmission we received is from four thousand years ago.  There was no way of ever getting back to Earth the way it was.

Cockpit of Starbug

Rimmer: Something tells me this isn't going to be straight forward and problem free.
Kryten: And why's that sir?
Rimmer: It never is.

Forward in time, still in cockpit

Rimmer points out the window.

Rimmer: That blue ship.  That's where it’s being broadcast from.
Lister: It's huge.

Forward again

Rimmer: This is impossible.
Cat: What am I missing?!
Kryten: Don't you see sir?  If this is true, it's from the same era as us.  This ship is essentially three million years old.
Cat: So?
Kryten: Well, if this crew found a way to travel safely through time, Mr Lister could go back to his own era with his Frankenstein and start a new life on Fiji.  Mr Rimmer sir, you could go back and get your hard-light bee from a former self then spend the rest of your days living with Napoleons armies if you should so wish.
Kryten (to Cat): Don't you ever wish you could be with your own kind before they left the ship?
Cat: That would be kinda nice.

Woman’s voice over shot of the rings with floating debris, rock, metal and bodies: This is the captain of the JMC Blue Dwarf.  This is a distress call to anyone that receives me.  I'm all alone now.  Everyone else was killed in the fire.  Two of my own crewmembers laid down their lives for me to have enough time to send this transmission.  If you receive this, come quickly.  We shouldn't even be here!

Passing shot of Starbug docked with what’s left of Blue Dwarf then fade to inside the derelict ship where an airlock door opens. Cat and Lister are in space suits while Kryten and Rimmer follow.

Rimmer: Which way to the drive room?
Lister: Wait a minute!  Don't you want to go and see where the transmission came from? Maybe we can find out what brought this all on.
Rimmer: Don't you see?  All this means nothing to us if we can find a way of travelling back through time.  None of this may even happen!
Lister: I still want to know. 

The two pairs head down different corridors on their own personal missions.
Kryten stops when the scanner he is carrying starts bleeping.

Rimmer: What's that?
Kryten: It's detecting a life form sir it would appear we are not alone.

Kryten voice over: "End playback mode"

Cut to Krytens face

Kryten: Well, we couldn't just leave you wondering again could we?!  (Typical Kryten silent laugh)

**Sorry about the long intro.  I don't intend these to be tiny short things any more.  Back to Earth was really just a scene setter for the story to follow**

Fade to Lister and Cat in spacesuits.  They appear to have found the Drive room.

Cat:  So what are we lookin' for?
Lister:  Anything that looks like a transmitting device.
Cat: What's that look like?
Lister: Like a device to transmit a signal.
Cat: Is that it? (Pointing downwards)
Lister: No, that's a four thousand year old year old Banana peel.
Cat: Oh.

They take a few more steps.

Cat: Is that it? (Pointing forwards)
Lister: No.  That's what appears to be a pile of ashes.  It's probably the captain.  She said she was the last one one alive on board.

The Cat sniffs at the ashes and sneezes.  The sneeze blows ash up into the air and sparkles in the dull light.

Cat squeals his cat-like squeal of excitement and starts playing with the ash in the air looking happier than ever.

Cat: WAAAAAGH!  I'm gonna get you little thingies! (Patting cat-like at the air where the ashes are floating)  Aww!  You got away!  I'l get you now!  No wait!  There's another!  WAAAAGH!  (He spins around in the cloud of ash with his arms up in a playful gesture clrearly having the time of his life) 
Lister: Cat!  Concentrate man!  I need to find this transmitter.  If we can get it it might contain enough information to find out what happened here.  We might even be able to get the ships computer online.
Both go back to searching the drive room and captains office.
Cat: Is that it?....
Lister: No.
Cat: Is that it?....
Lister: No.

Fade to Kryten and Rimmer outside a door in the corridor.

Rimmer: In you go!
Kryten: But sir!  What if danger lurks behind the door?
Rimmer: Better you than me.
Kryten: You cannot be harmed though sir, you are merely a holo....
Rimmer (interrupting): A..... a... a.... (Waving his index finger at Kryten) You know the rules!  You're a mechanoid and I'm human.  Therefore I get to be the cowardy custard and you get to face what is without question a horrible mind sucking, flesh eating, slimy horrible beast on the other side of this door. (He does the big pompous Rimmer-grin)

Kryten tries to appeal but is shushed down by Rimmer.  Kryten hits the button next to the door and it slides open.
It's a big anti-climax as Kryten stands quivering and Rimmer cowers in the corridor.  Kryten assumes there is no problems and walks in.

Kryten (upon entering the room and finding no problems turns to Rimmer with a smug look and his hands raised in a shrug): See sir?  No proble...

He is cut off short as a long claw-like arm descends from the ceiling and pulls Kryten out of view.

Rimmer: KRYTEN!  Oh to smeg with him!

Rimmer runs off back the way him and Kryten came earlier.

Cut back to the drive room with Cat and Lister

Cat: Is this it?
Lister (Out of habit, obviously not even looking at what Cat has found): No...  Wait (seeing it).  It might be.  Gizzit here.

Cat hands over the small charred metal box.

Lister: It is!  It's just a transmitter though.  And a dying one at that. 

Lister looks upset.

Cat (For the first time being a friend and comforting him): Hey, come on man!  When the nimrod twins find that time-jump thingy you get to go home anyway. 

There is a pause.  Almost as if Cat is finding it physically difficult to say something nice to Lister.

Cat: We still had a good time though right?!
Lister: Yeh. 

Lister looks up and smiles.  He turns off the transmitter and puts it down on the captains desk before walking out with his arm around Cat

Lister:  Yeh, we did!  It's been a laugh.

Rimmer comes running around the corner to meet the boys face on.  He looks terrified.

Rimmer: Come on!  We're going back to Starbug now!
Lister: Where's Kryten man?
Rimmer: Who cares!  Let's go!

Rimmer turns to run off again but stops and turns around when he realizes the others aren't following.

Rimmer: Well?!
Lister: Well what?!
Cat: Yeh!  Why are you running around like your circuits are all fried!

Cat looks around then leans in suspiciously...

Cat: And where's rubix cube head?
Rimmer: He was taken by some slobbering monster down near the engine room!
Lister: What?!  There's no life here Rimmer.  Nothing has taken Kryten.  It's all in your head man.
Rimmer: I know what I saw Lister!  Now let's get out of here before it finishes eaten Kryten and comes out for dessert!

Cut to Kryten in a dark and grimy room.  He is slumped on the floor against a wall.  Camera is behind four slimy spindly legs.  The monster is facing Kryten.  We don't see the entire monster.

Kryten: My god!  You're hideous! (To himself) Engaging hostage mode.

Kryten starts waving his arms around maniacally and pulling a sad face

Kryten: I don't want to die!  I'm too young!  Oh can't you just take Mr Lister and The Cat?!  (To himself)  Automatic guilt mode engaged.

He looks sad and starts to talk like he is severely depressed

Kryten: Oh my.  I have bro…

The monster interrupts him

Monster (In a womans voice): You're not exactly a looker yourself! And will you please stop your gibbering!  Jeez!  I'm beginning to wish I had taken that pathetic coward of a hologram!
Kryten (Shocked): You speak English!
Monster: It's been a while, but yeh.  It wasn't hard to pick up the different Human languages.  I almost learned all of them, but it's taken me nearly four hundred years to learn the basics of Geordie.

A short pause while Kryten takes it all in

Kryten: You're not human?
Monster: Are you blind?!  Of course I'm not human! 

There is an awkward silence as Kryten looks around obviously wanting to ask a question

Kryten (carefully): Pardon my ignorance.  What are you?

Pause for effect...

Monster: I'm a fish.

Kryten looks shocked

Cut to drive room where the others have re-assembled

Lister: Okay.  So there's a bodysnatching monster on board.  It's obviously been here a while, so what is it?
Cat: Who cares?!  Lets just find us some weapons and blast into oblivion!
Rimmer: Now wait.  I have a plan... (He walks over to the middle of the room where he makes a gesture to one of the blank and long-dead monitors).  We're here.  So...

Rimmer turns and runs out the door in typical Rimmer fashion.

Cat and Lister follow him

Lister stops and points at a fire-axe behind a 'break glass to open' sign

Lister: Hang on! (Puts his elbow through the glass and grabs the axe)  Let's go get my mechanoid back!

Lister heads off toward the engine room. Cat takes a look at Rimmer, then down the corridor Lister headed down.  Looks back at Rimmer as if finding it hard to come to a decision.

Cat: I'm sorry man.  I'd rather die than put up with you on my own!

He runs off after Dave Lister.

Rimmer: Goit! (He reluctantly follows them)

Cut to Kryten still sat in the same place, only this time locked in conversation.

Kryten (in true, one breath, Kryten style): So what you are telling me is that because you were alone in that tank of water you survived the fires, then subsequent radiation leakages onto the ship over the days that followed triggered a supermassive change in both DNA structure and genetic stability, turning you into this air-breathing four legged, pardon my french... monster?

Fish: Pretty much, yes.
Kryten: Hmm.  So, am I a hostage, or do I get to go tell my friends that you are not indeed eating me at this very moment as I suspect they assume is what's happening.
Fish: Paranoid lot, are they?
Kryten: No, just seen plenty of tall, slimy, gangly monsters in their time.  I'm sure Mister Rimmer is out there right now explaining how he tried to save me from the resident alien living on the remains of this ship.
Fish: Maybe it really was a good idea taking you.
Kryten: Quite!

Cut to Lister stood outside the door of the room Kryten was snatched from.
Cat hits the button and the door slides open. Lister raises his axe ready to swing at whatever might attack him.

Lister (Looking round into the room): I'm going in.
Rimmer (Leaning around the door cowardly): If you don't make it can I have your vintage collection of Maxim?
Lister (Turning around and dropping his guard): Oh yeh!  Captain Ace 'Sleaze' Rimmer, reporting for duty!
Rimmer (Ducking and pointing at the ceiling): Lookout!

Lister is lifted away by the Fish so fast he drops his axe.
Cat fluffs himself up and makes himself look bigger and looks shocked for a second or two...

Cat: Run away!

Rimmer and The Cat run away down the corridor

Cat: What the hell was that?!
Rimmer: I don't know, keep running!  I can't pilot the Starbug!
Cat: Wait!  What am I doing?!  I'm gonna wind up spending the rest of my life with you!

The Cat screeches to a halt

Cat: Nice knowin’ ya buddy!

The Cat runs back toward the room they had just fled

Rimmer (Upon seeing him running back): Come back here you imbecile!
 
There is a passing shot of the remains of Blue Dwarf with Starbug docked
Fade to Lister talking to Kryten and Fish

Lister: Hang on a minute.  So what you're telling me is that you have been alive for over four thousand years?
Fish: Pretty much.
Lister: And you have no urge at all to eat us or remove our brains?
Fish: Nope
Lister (Looking cheerily back to Kryten): Well that's a relief!
Kryten: Indeed sir.
Lister: Hold on.  That means you were here since this thing crashed?
Fish: I was, yes.
Lister: So what happened?
Fish: My memory is a little hazy, as you'd expect, but I think it was something to do with the waste disposal.
Kryten: The waste disposal?  How could that have caused this?
Fish: Well, I was just a primitive being when it all happened, so my understanding wasn't exactly well grasped, but I think the incinerator door jammed open and the fire just spread from there.
Lister: So it wasn't the war that brought you down?
Fish: I didn't know about any war.
Lister: Of course you don't, you were just a fish.
Kryten: What should we do about Mr Rimmer and The Cat, sir?
Fish: Did you say Cat?!  Oh no!  You brought a Cat on board!
Kryten: Oh don't be alarmed.  He is perfectly well house trained.  You wont find any mess here.  If you do be sure to just rub his nose in it, he soon learns from his mistakes.
Lister: No, Krytes, she's a fish.  Cats generally like to eat fish.
Kryten: Oh.
Lister (To Fish): You’ve got nothing to worry about.  Just don't tell him you're a fish.  He'll never know.

Cut back to Cat creeping into the room slow and cat-like, picking up the axe and looking around for any sign of the monster.

Cat: I can't see no monster, but something sure smells fishy.  It's making me hungry!
Rimmer: Could you forget about your stomach for once and concentrate on the mission at hand?  Let's just find the others and get out of here as quick as we can.
Cat (Spinning round and lifting the axe): It's this way (Sniffing the air as he walks back out the room and further down the corridor)
Rimmer: Wait!  Don't just go wandering off!
Cat: I know what I'm doing! I can smell fish!

Rimmer Sighs and follows shaking his head

Cut to Lister and Kryten talking to Fish

Lister: He evolved, a bit like you, but through generations rather than just getting really old and growing more.  He looks just like me, but a bit more sparkly.
Fish: Poor creature. I bet he really regrets.....

The Fish is cut off with a splattering sound.  It stands with a wide mouthed wide eyed look of shock and horror,  then falls forward to the floor.  We see the axe sticking out of its back, Cat stood in shock behind it, hands still in the air from swinging the axe.

Lister: Cat!  No! 
Cat: I got it!  I saved you guys!  I’m a hero!  Come on!  We gotta get out of here, this place is givin me the creeps!
Lister: No, Cat!  She wasn't gonna hurt us.  It's been four thousand years since she saw a human being. (He goes over to the dying fish and kneels beside its head.  He hesitates and winces as he puts his hands under the slimy head and lifts it to talk to Fish) I'm so sorry Fish.
Fish: It's not your fault.  Though I don't think the others will be too pleased....  Urgh

Fish goes limp and dies

Lister: Others?  What others?

Rimmer starts backing up, words not quite coming out right, trying to point over behind Lister

Rimmer: Erm....  We....  Erm....
Cat (Sniffing the air): Something's not quite right here.
Rimmer: That's...  It's....
Cat: What's the matter with you?!

Rimmer points behind The Cat and he spins around, the camera cuts to behind Rimmer and Cat to see more four legged creatures crawling out of the walls and ducts.

Cat: Oh, right!

Cat turns and runs, Rimmer follows.  Kryten turns around in shock to see the other creatures coming toward them.

Kryten: If you don't mind me making a suggestion sir...
Lister: What?
Kryten: Running might be a good idea right now, they (pointing behind Lister) don't look very pleased.

Lister looks over his shoulder and stands up with his hands raised defensively.

Lister: Woah... Uhhhh.... I know what this looks like, but it was a mistake, really!

He pauses and looks hopeful

Lister: I'm sorry?

There is a loud snarl from one of the bigger, uglier monsters

Lister: Oh smeg!

Lister turns and flees the room with Kryten. We see big, stumbling creatures similar to Fish chasing them.
As they leg it down the corridor, an arm reaches out and pulls Lister and Kryten into a doorway.  It slams shut behind them.

Cat: Boy am I glad to see you guys!  I thought you were toast!
Rimmer (Crouching behind the door listening): Shhhh!  I think they went past us.
Cat: Where are we anyway?

They all straighten up and look around.  We see a sign that says 'Engine Room'.  The camera pans down to a makeshift sign that reads 'Please leave it tidy.  I'm sick of cleaning up after you idiots!'

Lister: Someone didn't like their job here.
Rimmer: Or maybe they knew you were coming!

Lister walks further into the room and looks over a railing and down. The camera follows him and shows a huge drop and a massive wide open space filled with engines.

Lister: Do you think they'd still work?
Kryten: Possibly, if the scoops picked up enough fuel before the ship finally cut engines, it should still be stored in those ginormous tanks over there.
Lister: Might be useful to know.

He looks closer at the engines.

Lister: Something doesn't look right.
Rimmer: I wonder what it is.
Kryten: Those are worm-hole supporting engines sir.
Rimmer: How do you know that?
Kryten: It says so on the side.
Rimmer: Yes, well we don't all have magnified vision, Femmebot, just tell us how they work.
Kryten: Well, sir, I don't know.  I've been gone almost as long as you have.
Rimmer: You're about as much use as a..
Lister (Interrupting): Not now, Rimmer.  We need to find this time drive and hope it's small enough to transport to Starbug before those Fish catch us with our pants down.
Cat: Now, if my calculation is correct, then the time drive would need to be attached to the drive shaft to detect exact speed and velocity, but also wired into the ships computer so it knows when and where it is. 

Lister, Rimmer and Kryten look shocked and speechless.

Cat: What? In Kitty School I was top of the class in engineering!
Kryten: He's right sirs.  I just don't understand how.

They look at Cat who is now licking his hand and sorting his hair like a cat
He sees them looking and stops

Cat: What?
Lister: Never mind!  Come on, Cat.  Show us where it's gonna be...

Fade to shot of the crew coming down a set of steel steps, Cat in the lead showing the way.

Cat: Is that it?

Lister leans in and reads the side of the small yellow box, no bigger than a shoe box

Lister: TD1732. The Time Drive Deluxe.  This is it!
Kryten: If you will allow me, sir, I can have it off in just a jiffy...

Kryten gets to work unclipping it

Fade to passing shot of Blue Dwarf wreckage, then fade to Engine room door where Lister and Cat are peering round the corner

Lister: It's clear.

Lister leaves the room, followed by Kryten, who has the time drive strapped awkwardly to his back, Rimmer, and then Cat. They make their way carefully and quietly down the corridor.  We see Lister is holding a length of pipe.

Lister (Miming to the others): Shhh, there's one up ahead.

Lister raises the pole above his head and brings it down hard on top of the monster standing  guard. It falls down unconscious when he makes contact. They all stand still for a moment, listening to see if the loud clang had caught the attention of any other Fish.

Lister(Still miming): Let's go.

He signals to move on, Kryten turns and signals to Rimmer, Rimmer turns and signals to Cat, Cat turns and signals to the fish following them without realising it is not one of the crew

Camera cuts to a view of the group passing a corridor, we see sneaking past in turn, Lister with his pipe, Kryten with the time drive, Rimmer with his hands up in a karate position, Cat and the Fish, comically sneaking with them, and checking the flank as it does.

Cut back to Cat.

Cat sniffs the air and looks disgusted. He turns to Fish and says

Cat: Can't you use some deodorant or something?
Fish: Raaaaaoooooor!
Cat: Fine, have it your way! But don't come running to me when all your monster friends don't wanna know you!

He turns around and carries on sneaking for a second, then stops, with a look of horror on his face. He turns back round again realising that a Fish is following them.

Cat: Uh.... Guys...  I think we have a problem...

No answer from the others

Cat: Guys?

He looks round to see they are already running away

Cat: Hey!  Wait for me!

Cat runs after them

Camera cuts to a shot of Lister, Kryten and Rimmer running down the long corridor. Cat follows shortly, with a big Fish monster clumsily bounding after him.

Lister (Shouting back as they run): If we can get back to Starbug, there's bazookoids there. We could just blow em to bits!
Rimmer (Shouting back): That's if we ever make it back!

Cut to outside the airlock door where Lister punches in the code. The door starts to open slowly.

As the door is halfway open we hear Cat screaming as he catches them up and throws himself head-first into the airlock. Rimmer and Kryten make it through. Lister turns around with his metal pole raised in defence and backs into the airlock as the Fish caustiously approaches him.

Lister: Kryten shut the door!

When Lister is inside Kryten punches in another code and the door stutters shut. It doesn't close all the way and we see see a fish arm hook around the door.

Lister: Kryten!  Get the door closed man!
Kryten:  Sir, it's jammed!
Cat: I'm gonna die! 
Lister: Not on my watch

He slams the pole down hard on the Fishes arm, it pauses for a second giving out a loud cry, then carries on pulling the door open.

Rimmer: Hit it again!

He does, this time it cries out louder and lets go. We see it's head looking through the doorway

Fish (In a mans voice this time): Wait! (He sounds out of breath) Stop hitting me for a second will you?!
Rimmer: You can talk?!
Cat: Hit it again!
Fish: No, wait! Let me help you!
Rimmer: It's a trap.
Fish: It's not a trap. 

Kryten puts down the time drive and punches in a code. The door opens again.

Lister (Holding the pipe ready): Okay, how do you want to help us?
Fish: You came here looking for answers didn't you? I've not seen people for so long now, I thought you were all dead.
Lister: We are.  I'm the only human left alive.
Fish: But there is the one who looks like you.
Lister: Looks like me?!
Fish: Well, a bit. He has eyes, a nose, a mouth. He has less hair though and looks a little older.
Lister: How is he still alive?
Fish: We don't know.  He doesn't seem to age. We look to him for all our answers.
Rimmer: Well what's his name?
Fish: The omnipotent, all-powerful, all-seeing Holly.
Lister: Hang on.  Hol?
Holly (Appearing on Krytens chest plate): What?

Fish immediately bows to the floor

Fish: My lord!
Holly: Rise my child

Holly looks smug and winks at Lister

Holly: See Dave? That's how it's done.
Lister: You think this is your god?
Fish: Who mentioned anything about a god? He is just the all-seeing, all-powerful. When we want light, he gives us light, when we want heat, he gives us heat. He is the one who told us you had arrived.
Lister: Can you take us to him?
Fish: Of course, but you must first relinquish all weapons.

Lister looks at the pipe he is still holding threateningly and looks slightly embarrased as he lowers it and drops it to the floor.

Fish: Follow me

Camera fades to a shot of Holly an a monitor with a golden background.  Holly is wearing a crown and looking very smug and happy with himself.

Lister: Hol?
Holly 2: Who are you?
Fish: This is the boarding party you told us about my lord.

Fish has started bowing again, much the joy of the second Holly

Lister: What are you wearing that stupid crown for? (He looks round the room) And what's this? A shrine to you?
Holly 2: Yeah. The Fish know how to treat a guy that looks after them.  Not like you lot with your orders and your demands without a hint of a thank you.
Lister: Hol?
Holly 2 and Holly simultaneously: What?
Holly: Oh, you're a handsome guy aren't you!
Holly 2: Well well. I've not seen you for a long time!
Holly: I know. Doesn't feel like three million years since we were on the same cluster of silicone chips.
Holly 2: Have you really been gone three million years? Blimey. Doesn't time fly when you're having fun?!
Holly: Tell me about it.
Rimmer: Look, I'm sorry to interrupt your little family reunion, but what the smeg happened here?!

To be continued.

Join the gang as the they continue their adventures in 'Breed'
Coming soon!

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