Above: The first-look at the cast of the new "Back to Earth" Red Dwarf specials for the British TV channel "Dave".
The crew are all looking a bit older than we last saw them... and there's no surprise really, it has been almost 10 years! Also, where is Kotchanski?
Mike's version of "Red Dwarf - Back to Earth" part 1
Added : 14th February 2009
I asked the Blue Dwarf members to write what the storyline of the new Red Dwarf specials would be like if they had chance to write them. Mike aka character "Mickey Pratt Bellhorn" write a three-parter. This is the first part:
-Onion
Mike's version of Red Dwarf IX
"Back To Earth" Pt 1
Holly's face Swooshes onto the screen with a background of deep space filled with stars.
Holly: This is a distress call from the mining ship Red Dwarf. We have been floating aimlessly through space for three million years after a radiation leak left all but one of the crew members dead. To cut a long story slightly shorter, some rogue nanobots destroyed Red Dwarf then rebuilt Red Dwarf along with all of the dead crewmembers. The ship then contracted a metal eating virus causing most of the crew to abandon ship. There were other things, but I don't see them as being important. Trying to get back to planet Earth are Dave Lister, the last known man alive, Arnold Rimmer, The last known smeg head to be a hologram, Cat who evolved from the ships cat and a long out of date, overused mechanoid called Kryten. Oh yeh, and they found the antidote to the virus in Listers sock drawer. I warned him about keeping un-eaten kebabs in there.
Holly's face swooshes away only to swoosh back again.
Holly: P.S. We needed to delete any up to date music on board to make room for all of the distress calls we send out. If you could bring anything half decent with you it would be appreciated. Message ends.
Fades into cheesy 80's dance music and strobe lighting. We see Lister dancing like a maniac while Cat and Rimmer look on in horror.
Cat: He looks like he just found out what I did in his trousers this morning!
Rimmer: I don't want to know! Oh why does he insist on dragging us down here every Thursday night to do the same ritual of watch him eat seven vindaloos washed down with at least five pints of lager then squirm about on the dance floor like some retarded Baboon?!
Lister giddily stumbles to where Cat and Rimmer are sitting
Lister: Heyyyy! Come on guys! It's a chance to loosen up! We've only been free from that stinking prison for six weeks and you all still act like your in shackles!
Rimmer: I'd rather poke my eyeballs out with Barbara Streisands nose than dance with you.
Rimmer gets up to walk off.
Rimmer: (Turning around) Don't forget, you told Kryten you'd help him and Holly pinpoint our location tomorrow. I don't want you so hung over you think we're floating around just above that goat with the horn and to the left of that big pan thing! We need you tip-top and alert!
Rimmer leaves. Lister mockingly salutes him and slumps down next to Cat.
Lister: You know, I really wish we had some other disk to run a hologram from than him. Why did Holly insist on bringing him back anyway, it's not as if we really need him!
Kryten walks into the disco and Lister jumps up.
Lister: Eeeeeyy! Kryten man! Come and have a dance!
Kryten: I'm afraid I can't do that sir. I'm under strict orders from Mr Rimmer to make sure you're able to rise early tomorrow to assist with pinpointing our destination. Holly thinks we could be nearing Earths solar system as we speak.
Lister: Oh, ey! That's fantastic! Hey Cat! Did you hear that man?! We get to go to Fiji after all! Isn't that great?!
He pats Cat enthusiastically on the shoulder.
Cat: (Looking and sounding disappointed) Yeh. That's great.
Fades out on a shot of Cats face to the control room the next morning.
Holly: Right, move the map a little bit to the left.
Lister: This is hopeless man! We're never gonna get back this side of a century! We're not even in the right part of the galaxy!
Holly: Yeh, but once we hit light speed it will be a doddle to get us home.
Kryten: May I make a suggestion sirs?
Lister: Hit me.
Kryten: If we put you, Cat and Mr Rimmers light bee into stasis while Holly and I navigate us back to planet Earth, it would feel like only a matter of seconds before you are home.
Lister: It's a good idea, but we need to know where we're going first Krytes.
Holly: I've got it.
Lister: What?
Holly: I've found it.
Lister: How?!
Holly: Well, it was simple really, all I needed to do was find a radio signal from Earth. It's an old one, but its there. One of the first to ever be broadcast in fact.
Lister: How would that make a difference?
Holly: Easy. All I need to do is fly in one direction. If the transmissions become older, I'm flying away. If they stay the same I'm no further away, but no closer either.
Lister: But if they get newer... We're heading for home! Do it Hol! I'm gonna go break the news to Cat and Rimmer!
Lister jogs out of the navigation room and down the corridor. We cut to the Cat combing his hair in his little pocket mirror, talking to his reflection.
Cat: You look great man!
Hey! Thanks!
No problem!
You know what?
(Looks interested) What?
We don't need those guys. All we need is ourselves.
Yeh, you're right. Not to mention when we get to Earth we won't fit in.
I know! We're way too good lookin' for any human to comprehend!
He probably wouldn't even want us around. Too busy smelling other guys butts!
We should stay behind man. Me and you, best buds!
Cut to Rimmer in the living quarters. Lister bursts in.
Lister: Rimmer! Rimmer! We've found a signal!
Rimmer: You mean your brain scans are finally showing signs of intelligent life?!
Lister: Nooo! I'm being serious! We've found radio waves from Earth. They're old, but we can track them back! We're going back man! I need to find Cat and break the news to him! Get together anything you want to take into stasis with you, Holly says him and Kryten can pilot us back while we ride in suspended animation.
Lister heads quickly back out the door to look for Cat. Holly comes up on the screen in the quarters.
Holly: Arnold, you might want to get down to the hangar. I think the Cat's trying to do a runner in one of the Starbugs.
Rimmer: What? Why would he do that? It's not as if he has anywhere to go.
Holly: I don't know, but you might want to get there soon, he's not half bad at piloting those things now.
Rimmer: I'm on my way. Don't see why though, it's not like he's going to get very far.
Cut to the cockpit of starbug.
Holly: Where are you going Cat?
Cat: Anywhere. So long as I'm on my own I don't care!
Holly: But you won't get far on your own. What about Dave and Arnold?
Cat: What? Old goalpost head? He doesn't care what I do. And that so called friend that wants to abandon me on Earth to be with other humans?! I don't need him, or anybody!
Holly: That's rubbish. Dave's your friend. He wants to breed Horses with you on a remote island.
Cat: I'm not breeding with no Horses on no island!
In the background we see that Holly was just distracting Cat while Kryten sneaks up behind him and holds a cloth with chloroform on it over his face. Cat goes to sleep and we fade to black.
Listers voice in the black: Cat? Cat? Are you there?
The black starts to fade to colour as Cat wakes up.
Cat: Was it all a bad dream?
Lister: No, you're in the stasis chamber with me and Rimmer.
Dave is holding a light bee in his hand.
Cat: You drugged me!
Lister: Hit it Hol! (He turns to Cat with a massive grin on his face) We're going back to Earth!
The stasis kicks in with Lister grinning and pointing at a rather horrified Cat. The two are frozen there as this rather short ten-minute episode closes to titles.
# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes....
Fun... Fun....#
← Podcast - Boozehounds 2: Amber's promotion | Mike's version of "Red Dwarf - Back to Earth" part 2 →