Home > Articles > Mike's version of "Red Dwarf - Back to Earth" part 3

Mike's version of "Red Dwarf - Back to Earth" part 3

Added : 19th February 2009

Mike's version of Red Dwarf IX

"Back To Earth" Part 3

Lister: Right.  Well, we made it back to Earth.  We found out something massive happened and I'm officially the last human alive.  There's a distress beacon floating around in the wreckage of the planet and we're going out there to see what it is.  Cat's ecstatic that there's no home left to go to and Rimmer thinks I should be wrapped in cotton wool and treated like an endangered species.  Kryten's just doing his normal guilt ridden servant bit to try and cheer me up but all I want is answers.

Cut to scene outside Red Dwarf where Starbug is leaving the hangar. We see it turn and head toward Earths rings.

Cat: Wait!  We have a problem!  Go to red alert!

Lister: What is it?!

Cut to view of Lister and Cat inside cockpit. Cat is horrified

Cat: I forgot my mirror!

Lister: For the love of...  Go and get suited up.

Cat: Fine! But if it clashes with my shirt you're on your own bud!

Cat leaves and Kryten takes his place in the co-pilot seat.

Rimmer: Are you sure you want to go through with this?

Lister: Yeh. 

Kryten: Nearing the outermost ring now sir.

Lister peers out of the cockpit to get a closer look.

Lister: Good god.

Cut to view of the rings. We see a mix of rock and metal.  There are bodies floating in the debris.

Rimmer: They've just been floating here for four thousand years?

Cut back to Kryten

Kryten: Maybe more.  Planet Earth no longer rotates on an axis.  The constant barrage of bombs and weapons must have upset the balance and caused a complete planetary shutdown.  Even though its mass is no smaller than when you were here, its gravitational pull is only about a tenth of what it was.  Objects will orbit the planet without ever being drawn in.

Lister: We killed Earth. 

Rimmer: The beacon is no more than a few kilometres away.  Holly, map in the exact co-ordinates.

Holly: Right you are.

Rimmer: There.

Rimmer points out the window.

Rimmer: That blue ship.  That's where it’s being broadcast from.
Lister: It's huge.

Kryten: Oh yes, sir.  These rings have a thickness of nearly eight miles.  You could hide an entire asteroid belt in them and still have room for the Cat's wardrobe.

Cut to Holly

Holly: Hold on.  I think that's more than just a beacon.  There's a very weak underlying signal in there.  De-coding it now.

Cut back to Lister Kryten and Rimmer

Lister: What must they have been fighting with to have blown chunks like that out of the surface?  There's gouges there the size of whole continents.

Rimmer: A lot can happen in three million years Lister.  Who knows what sort of race they evolved into.  Weapons that are way beyond our understanding.

Kryten: We're nearing  the signal source, reducing speed now.

Cat comes back in his gold sparkly space suit from the episode 'Kryten'

Cat: Look what I found!

Kryten: Oh sir!  It still fits you! I remember the first time we met like it was just yesterday!

Lister: We're nearly there, Cat.  You ready to go?

Lister gets up and heads out the cockpit to get his suit on.

Lister: (From off screen) Meet me in the airlock in five.

Cat sits down in the pilot seat.

Rimmer: (Pointing) Look, there's a docking point on that ship.  Do you think you could manoeuvre us in Kryten?

Cat: Hey!  I could do that with my eyes closed!

Kryten: Perhaps you should do it with them open for this once sir.

Rimmer: Okay Cat.  Take us in. 

Cat: On my way!

Rimmer: This place feels familiar.

Kryten: It's taken a lot of damage.  I don't think this is the whole ship.  In fact, it's highly probable this is only a very small part of it.

Cat: Yeh, and whoever built it was dumb enough to name it after its colour!  Look, The ships called 'Blue'!

Rimmer: This is impossible.

Kryten: Apparently not sir.  The structure and architecture matches that of our own ship.

Cat: (Looking lost) What am I missing?!

Kryten: This ship is part of the Jupiter Mining Corps fleet.  This is possibly a sister ship of our own Red Dwarf.

Cat: So?

Kryten: Don't you see sir?  If this is true, it's from the same era as us.  This ship is essentially three million years old.

Cat still looks lost.

Rimmer: That ship would not last three million years of service.  It must have somehow got here towards the end of the war.

Cat: So?

Kryten: If they found a way to get here through time, surely there is a way for us to get back in time the same way.

Cat: Well why didn't you say so?!

A loud bang and sharp jolt.

Cat: There!  Told you I could get us docked!

Rimmer: We're upside down!

Cat: Well I'm sorry Mister Perfect!  I'm sure if you could touch anything you would have done it much better!

Rimmer: That was a low blow!  You know I lost my hard-light bee when box-heads nanobots re-built me.

Cat: Yeh, yeh.  It's always one excuse after another with you!

Kryten: Now sirs!  This is no time to be arguing!  Do you realise what this could mean?

Cat: What?

Kryten: Well, if this crew found a way to travel safely through time, Mr Lister could go back to his own era with his Frankenstein and start a new life on Fiji.  Mr Rimmer sir, you could go back and get your hard-light bee then spend the rest of your days living with Napoleons armies if you should so wish.
Rimmer: Ah yes!  The smell of gunpowder in the morning!  The battle cries of the desperate falling armies!  That's the life for me!

Cat: What about me?!

Kryten: Don't you ever wish you could be with your own kind before they left the ship?  Go with them to live with your own people for the rest of your life?

Cat leans in to Kryten

Cat: That would be kinda nice.

Kryten: So you see, this could be the best thing to happen to all of us.

Lister through intercom: Guys!  You ready to go?

Cat: On our way!

Cut to Holly’s face

Holly: Hold on.  I've got that audio transmission. 

Rimmer: Lister, listen up.  Play it.

Woman’s voice: This is the captain of the JMC Blue Dwarf.  This is a distress call to anyone that receives me.  I'm all alone now.  Everyone else was killed in the fire.  Two of my own crewmembers laid down their lives for me to have enough time to send this transmission.  If you receive this, come quickly.  We shouldn't even be here!

Cut to Cat

Cat: Wow!  There's a lady on board?!  What are we waiting for?!

Cat starts to get up

Kryten: (Holding Cat back) She's dead sir.

Cat: How do you know?!

Holly: The message was sent four thousand four hundred years and three hundred and sixty three days four hours nineteen minutes and twelve seconds ago.

Cat: Oh.

Passing shot of Starbug docked with what’s left of Blue Dwarf then fade to inside the derelict ship where an airlock door opens. Cat and Lister are in space suits while Kryten and Rimmer follow.

Lister: Alright, where are we going?

Kryten: Well the beacon is coming from just down the corridor, but in my reckoning if they have a time drive, it's sure to be in the engine room.

Rimmer: This place looks just like Red Dwarf.

Cat: Yeh, just a little more burned and a little less smelly!

Kryten: Carbon scans show this craft is only four thousand seven hundred years old.

Rimmer: So it had been in service for over three hundred years before it got here?

Kryten: It would appear so.

Rimmer: Which way to the drive room?

Lister: Wait a minute!  Don't you want to go and see where the transmission came from? Maybe we can find out what brought this all on.

Rimmer: Don't you see?  All this means nothing to us if we can find a way of travelling back through time.  None of this may even happen!

Lister: I still want to know.  Kryten, come with me.

Cat: What?  And leave me with old goal post head?!  I don't think so!

Lister: Fine, Krytes, you go with Rimmer.  Come on Cat.

The two pairs head down different corridors on their own personal missions.

The camera follows Rimmer and Kryten down their corridor.  Kryten stops when the scanner he is carrying starts bleeping.

Rimmer: What's that?

Kryten: It's detecting a life form sir.

Rimmer: How is that possible?

Kryten: I don't know, but it would appear we are not alone.

Camera zooms out away from Kryten and Rimmer stood alone in the long corridor and then fades to the end titles.

# Let me fly, far away from here....
fun fun fun.... #

← Mike's version of "Red Dwarf - Back to Earth" part 2 | Andy Longman Interview - Captain Chrysler! →