"Hi!" Said Python.
"Erm… Hi!" Said Efof.
Python looked at Efof's four arms. "You're an alien!"
Efof looked at the arms himself. "Oh yeah! I am!"
Python stood up excitedly. "I was raised by aliens!"
"No way?!"
"Way! I've travelled around the galaxy a bit too, I've seen quite a few alien species..."
"Wow," said Efof. "You don't know a guy named Pritt Kirstofferson do you?"
"No sorry"
"Oh well, it was worth a try" Said Efof. "He's probably long dead anyway. Bastard owes me money."
"So where you from?"
"Ffion, East Nebulae sector."
"Never heard of it sorry."
"Yeah well the Hymenoptera killed everyone and mined it dry of proteins about a thousand years ago while I was in stasis. And the muppets at the Blue Dwarf here accidentally blew up what was left of the planet when they visited. Can't really complain as they rescued me… but they could have been a bit more careful!"
"Yeah tell me about it!" Said Python.
Posted by David Ball on 8th November 2004 (
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Ffionians
The Ffionian People
The Ffionians were a race of aliens whose home planet of "Ffion" was invaded over 600 years ago by the Hymenoptera. They were so peaceful that they had no weapons of any kind to defend themselves from their attackers.
Physically, Ffionians look quite different to humans. They have a slightly blue coloured skin, have four arms, and have their genitals on their head. This means that hats are always in fashion. Their noses are kept somewhere down their trousers, and males have as much chance of getting pregnant as women - although it is unclear where the foetus grows.
Planet Ffion
Ffion was a lush paradise world where war, crime, suffering and disease were things of a bygone age, forgotten the same way humans have forgotten how to wipe their arses without toilet paper (or a milk bottle full of water).
Everyone on Ffion seemed to get along, and in some cases, get along TOO well. The known sexual practices have been known to be very bizarre.
People lived in accommodation that ranged from idyllic mud huts on vast beautiful beaches, to large impressive holiday homes. The weather was practically good all year round, so there was always a party or BBQ happening somewhere.
The people of Ffion were very advanced, they had superb technology but they had not yet opened their minds up to the opportunity of travelling beyond their own planet. Therefore they did not strive to take over other star systems like many other races do – their planet was perfect enough.
Their complacency lead the Ffionians into a bit of hot water as when their planet Ffion was invaded by the Hymenoptera, their culture and most of their population was destroyed. The Hymenoptera killed the population and wiped the planet clean of all nutrients and proteins, leaving the world a barren, dry dessert. The Planet was destroyed 600 years later when an away mission from the Blue Dwarf used a Ffionian teleporter to teleport a Hymenopteran ship into the planet's core, causing it to explode.
New Age Ffionians
After living on the Blue Dwarf for almost seven years, Efof Yuwan'Kar (who had been preserved in stasis) thought he was the last surviving member of his race. He was proved wrong however, when the Blue Dwarf discovered a civilisation of Ffionians living perfectly happily on a technologically advanced world. These Ffionians were so far removed from their ancient ancestors that their culture was barely recognisable. These Ffionians had invaded and taken over the planet they were on, and generally bullied smaller races. They were at war with a species called the Halkon, and persuaded the crew of the Blue Dwarf to help fight them - until the Blue Dwarf discovered the Halkons were actually pretty friendly.
It still remains unclear how the Ffionians survived the slaughter of their planet 600 years ago.